Real American Heroes

Today we salute you, Mr. Christopher Columbus.

Not only did you sail the ocean blue, you proved to history that discovering The New World is only worthwhile if you take all the credit. And hey - if not for your gross navigational miscalculations aboard the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria, Native Americans may have never have had the chance to be called Indians.

We're also glad you gave us another reason to have another parade in New York City...after all, if the Irish, the Puerto Ricans, the Chinese and the mermaids have one, so must the Italians. And to think - had you not colonized the Western Hemisphere, we might be shopping at the Whole Foods at Cortez Circle, traveling to Magellan, OH, or prosecuting Balboan drug lords.

All in all, you can say with confidence that you influenced the course of United States history. Second graders don't recite any rhymes about Amerigo Vespucci, do they?

So crack open an ice cold 15th century Bud Light, Mr. Christopher Columbus. Ferdinand and Isabella would be proud.